A, B and Me...

Sunday, March 13, 2005:

At this very moment, 5 years ago, I was looking my first born in the eyes for the very first time. I had awakened early that morning, feeling crampy and weird. I was staying at my mom's house, since Brian worked nights. I called Brian home from work and we went to the birthing center, excited and terrified. After an hour or so, the doctor on duty sent us home, but promised me he would see me again before his shift was over. I was crushed, and felt foolish. I was in labor, but it was still early.

Brian went back to my mom's house to sleep and my mom and I went out for breakfast. We sat in a diner, and I thoroughly enjoyed a big plate of french toast. Contractions came and went. We decided to go walk with the hopes that we could move things along.

We walked around the mall, ate lunch, and then bored with that scenery, headed to another shopping center. My mom wanted to buy baby stuff. By late afternoon, we were standing in the middle of Baby gap, as my mom held up tiny onesies and socks and pants, asking me which I liked. I rested against the wall as my contractions got stronger. An employee wandered by and cheerfully asked, "When are you due!?" I looked her dead in the eye and said "NOW." She stammered for a minute, and I told her I was in labor. She looked around, panicked, and I assured her I wouldn't actually have my baby in her store. She hurried off, scared.

My mom made her purchases, and I told her I thought we were getting closer. I wanted to go back to her house, to get Brian, and to get back to the birthing center. She was afraid I wasn't there yet, and didn't want me to face disappointment twice, so when we got home, she cooked dinner for the rest of the family and herself. I rolled up in a ball on her couch, clutching my abdomen. I hollered into the kitchen, "Can we leave now?!" She wanted to curl her hair. She was stalling for time, hoping that every minute she waited would put me that much closer to the end. Finally, everyone got the stuff together and we headed back to the birth center.

When we got there, I was in active labor. I rested in the whirlpool, I rocked on a ball. I had the most amazing L&D nurse ever, who stood by me and my choices, never letting me down, only encouraging me to move forward. I pushed Brayden out in 5 pushes and I still remember the sensation of him slipping out of me. It was a sacred moment, and I knew in that second that it was the first of many moves away from me he'd make in his life. I reached for my boy and as I pulled him to my body I was simply overwhelmed. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment, for finally meeting the person you love most in the world.

His blue eyes were bright and clear, and he studied me as I studied him. He wasn't blotchy or red and his head was covered with thick black hair. He was perfect...and he still is.

Now, he's 5 and his eyes are as blue as they ever were. His hair has lightened to brown, and the tiny hands that used to grasp my breasts as if they were they only things that mattered in the world now hold beetles and action figures. He is no longer tiny and helpless. he is lanky and busy and he questions everything, especially me. He is quick bursts and deep concentration. Emotional in the extreme at times, I love the way he feels everything and isn't ashamed to admit it. He still loves to rest his head on my chest, just to hear my heartbeat. He is my boy. He is 5 years old and he is my world. Happy birthday, Brayden.
Lisa // 11:51 PM

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